Adjusting

Adjusting to change is never easy. This has been a big year for adjustments and the hardest ones are yet to come. Having my children grow up and move out of our home was difficult enough. Walking them down the aisle, although a wonderful moment, was sad as well. But, last year, I was doubly blessed when both girls, with new husbands in tow, celebrated the holidays with me. I had them all at Thanksgiving. I had them all Christmas eve. And yes, they all spent the night and we celebrated Christmas together...all day. I was spoiled. This year, there have many many occasions where when we got together we were not all present. Each time, we settled in to our new roles of accepting each other's new lives. Vacation in Hawaii was the most difficult. To finally be able not only to afford a vacation, but to be allowed the time to take, and not be able to take all my children, presented a void in each happy memory. As I sit here this morning and reflect about how to get through the next two months without everyone where I want them, when I want them, I am sad. I also feel guilty for being so selfish. How do I do this? I don't want to let go; I don't like it. I try to compensate, to make arrangements that will finagle them all here for me. It's getting harder and harder. We are close. We are blessed. We speak almost everyday. We email on the days we can't talk. It's not like we are absent from one another. But something is different during the holidays. This one, not only am I missing my married daughters, but my youngest as well. Making the adjustment from completely living every moment taking care of her needs to leaving her in the complete care of someone else has been far more difficult than I had imagined. Halloween was very wierd without her. My little ones were supposed to be the queen's that day, and I don't even know what my youngest did. I have no idea what she looked like. I have no way to find out. She hasn't written in 2-1/2 months. She has never called, even though she has weekly phone privileges. This Thanksgiving, I have found a way to share the traditions of the holidays with 3 out of 4 of my girls, even though it will be in two different days and it means I will have Thanksgiving dinner twice in 5 days. It's worth it to me. In sadness, though, we will not share it with Deana. Another holiday lost. Will she miss it? I wonder. In my heart I don't think so. I fear that she adapted so well to the group home, that she might be better suited for that than in our home. I wonder.... Aimee will celebrate Thanksgiving with me before Thanksgiving, but will be all alone on the actual day. This is hard for me. Joleen will get to go away with us and share Thanksgiving with us, but will not be with us Christmas morning. This is the first Christmas morning in the 22 years I've been a mommy that my daughter will not wake up with me. It's hard. I am happy as she starts new traditions with Alex. I truly am, but still I am sad. Her absence will definitely be noticed. Aimee is spending the night on Christmas Eve, maybe for the last time? Letting go......does it ever get easier?